Emotionally drained

>I am normally the type of person that sees the glass as half full but today I feel its half empty and I am drowning in it.

I feel very sad, I can’t shake it. I know I will… I always do. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop my body from shaking. Raw reality slipped in and I am once again sad and scared. My angel had another kicking fit in the car as I was driving them all to school and once again I yelled “stop KICKING”! and reached out as usual to grab both hands to make sure he doesn’t slap himself as I try to pull over to get out of the car and work with this so that he doesn’t hurt himself and it hit me THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT MY SON DOES THIS AND NOBODY CAN EXPLAIN WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My beautiful Angel is going through this and NOBODY!!! CAN tell me why!!!!!!!!! This hurts so bad. I am not an ungrateful parent… I am blessed with 3 beautiful children, I believe God is always watching but I am only HUMAN! I look at my PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL 7!!! year old son and he can’t tell me whats wrong, what he wants. Why?!?!? I don’t need to know what “SPECIALISTS” or whatever else they choose to call themselves, read in a damn book. I know what “AUTISM” is and and its “symptoms”. I LIVE WITH IT!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHY!!! And my son can’t tell me… he would be the only one to know the answers to all of these questions. And it kills me to think that I may never hear the answers coming from him.

I am sure these thoughts will linger in my head for the rest of my life and as with everything else I will learn to live with certain questions not being answered but like I said before, today… my glass is half empty :,..(