July 18, 2003
Oh my goodness, I don’t know what to do with myself. I am soooo sad and scared for my baby. My Angel does not deserve this!!! NOOOOO!!!! I don’t want my Angel to have Autism. I am terrified and there is no one to take this feeling away. The uncertainty of my Angels future makes me panic, I don’t want him to suffer!!!! He doesn’t deserve this!! I am tired of pretending everything is ok. EVERYTHING IS NOT OK!!!.
I cant find any comfort in anything. I don’t want my baby to have AUTISM!!! Why?!?!? I look at him and want to scream because it hurts so bad. I’m tired of people telling me that God doesn’t give you anything you cant handle, I’m positive that for as long as I live my Beautiful Angel will have me to take care of him so thats not the point. The point is that MY SON HAS AUTISM!!!! Doesn’t anyone get that?!?!? Its not a cold, its not a fever, Its a neurological problem that he doesn’t understand and I understand even less!! How dare you tell me, well atleast its not cancer, YOU ARE RIGHT, ITS NOT, ITS AUTISM! And I feel for the parent and child that may be experiencing cancer but thats their worse, this is ours. Respect that.
Its watching my son run around because he doesn’t know where to put himself , its watching him cover his ears when he hears certain sound and not know why. Its watching him play by himself at all times when he could be having fun with other children his age. Its watching him fall and scrape himself and not show me he is hurt. Its having him come over to pinch me or tap my skin and wonder why he does it. Its calling his name in every tone of voice and getting no response. It’s seeing no eye contact. Its telling him to get down or get off something a thousand times a day only to have him do it each time like its the very first time. Its going to the park and having the bottom of his feet burn till they almost blister before he screams like a burning victim. Its not knowing why he has certain fascinations. Its watching him for 2 1/2 years wake up in the middle of the night like he’s already slept 12 hours. It’s waking up to my son screaming in his sleep like someone is hurting him in a dream and not be able to rescue him, comfort him or make him understand that it was just a dream. Its not knowing if in fact he was screaming because of a dream. Its watching him go from crying to laughter in a matter of seconds then back to crying without having the slightest clue about whats going on in his head or who to call for REAL answers when things like this happen.
It’s wondering about my sons future in every way. Its watching my gorgeous little boy and wondering if he is ever going to feel queezy at the sight of a pretty girl. It’s wondering if my son is ever going to experience the rush of that first kiss. I wonder if he will ever experience true love for another human being such as a woman and be able to express them. I wonder if he will ever be able to care for himself when I am gone, this SCARES me sooo much. It hurts to wonder about what is to happen. This uncertainty is KILLING ME!!!!!!
This is a journal entry from JULY 18 2003. Put judgements aside… have a better understanding… I am sharing because if you have ever felt like this, now 7 years later I can tell you that I know it was OK for me to feel this way… It is OK for you too.
This was written 5 months after my son was diagnosed. I used a journal to keep myself sane and away from hurting anyone that would try to give their input. My beautiful Angel has made LOTS of progress and I am super excited everytime he reaches a new milestone. I am so proud of him when I call his name and he “glances” over like “what is it now?” Although I am still scared I understand the reality and I work very hard every day to help him get a better understanding of our life. To be the best human being he can be. I am my sons voice, I am my sons advocate. He is my life. I have grown so much, learned so much too.
I am putting this out here because people always say I am strong. I am strong… now.