I include you my beautiful son

I try so hard to make sure you are included in every choice I make. In everything that gets done here. If we go out to eat I make sure that even if everyone loves the place we are going to, that there is something in there that you like, that if I buy everyone something, you get something you like too. That if we rent a movie, I look for one that you may like too. It gets so hard sometimes and sometimes it may seem as if I forgot you… I NEVER FORGET YOU!! I want you to know that every time I have any of your 2 siblings even so much as pick a TV show to watch that it’s something that you can at least tolerate. If only you spoke… if only you could tell me what it is that you want to watch… what it is you crave to eat today… what shoes you like at the shoe store, what pants and what shirt you feel like wearing today. What your favorite shirt is and if it’s in the laundry and that you want to wear it… I would give anything to hear you ask me for that shirt. I would like to hear you tell me that you want ketchup on yours fries. I include you in everything (even offering you ketchup) because how else am I to know what you like and what you don’t. Basically I live life to listen to your unspoken words. It’s so hard though. I know that just because you don’t speak… it’s not that you have nothing to say. I refuse to believe that you don’t make choices even though you don’t voice them.

I try to make sure that everyone else here gets their needs met and enjoys life as they should. Sometimes it hurts to think that I can’t do something with them because you can’t tolerate it and so I push you. I push you but it’s not to torture you. I do so because how am I to know if I don’t try to make you try? I am always trying to balance things out so that everyone travels this journey having fun, loving life and having compassion. Have patience with me, love me for me, love me for being pushy because I love you with all of my life because you are you. Would I change anything about you? No! Would I want something more for you? YES! SPEAK my beautiful son, SPEAK! I imagine your voice, I have had dreams about your voice, I want to hear what I know you want to say!