Two Years since they lost my son and still… I can’t move on.

“Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

In exactly 18 days it will be two years since the day I found my son in the hands of a total stranger. Two years and yet as I sit here writing this my hands are trembling, I’m having a hard time breathing and I feel an elephant is slowly making itself comfortable on my chest. Two years and this still feels as fresh as it did when it happened. I am mortified. In the past two years I have not been able to shake the fear I discovered September 28, 2010.

When it first happened I couldn’t even talk about it to anyone. Later that week I wrote about it on here.

YOU LOST MY PRECIOUS SON! I found him in the arms of a stranger!.

I couldn’t bring myself to publish it immediately because I didn’t want it to be seen and showing up on my stats therefore every day making it that much harder to try and move on.

After the first year I made it public but because it was so low on the list it would hardly get any attention and I was ok with that because I felt it was enough with just having worked up the courage to make it public but it was not going to be something that harassed me with views or comments. I figured that letting it out in the open would somehow set me free from my thoughts, my fears, my inability to trust ANYONE that came near my son and the anxiety I felt every day I drove by where I found him every day when I took him to school.

Let me tell you… none of that worked! I think about this every day. I fear this every day. I slept on the floor by the front door every single day for the first year and now going on to the second I still do it on occasion and have resorted to sleeping most of my days in the living room where I am nearest to my front door so I can at least hear if my son attempts to open the door in the middle of the night. He has never done it but now I am petrified at the thought that he might and I won’t hear it. My door is secured with extra gadgets I bought at the hardware store, alarms and all but I can’t shake this.

I always feared him taking off because if not hand held he’d always take off but now I’m actually afraid of losing him that split second I’m not looking. I am taking my son to a school that was assigned to him and it is really far from my home. I am so scared. He is with new teacher, new staff, new environment and although I have said it to the teacher many times, I am still afraid that they will lose him.

This is my baby, my life, my Angel and right along with my other two kids… Reason for my existence to be one full of hope and drive to make everything in our lives special. That day everyone in the school district took something away from me that I fear I will never get back… TRUST and they put something in me that doesn’t feel like leaving… FEAR! They have carried on with their lives. Sided with whomever they have felt like and still I sit here wanting to just hold my son tightly in my arms just to keep him safe.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t get the images out of my head, those images of that man holding my precious son. Granted he was trying to help him but driving up and just seeing that didn’t look that way in my eyes and I just can’t move on. This STINKS!!!! I am a good mother! A responsible Mother! A mother that is only looking to make a beautiful life for her children and kick the shit out of Autism because I aim as high as to make my son’s Autism be a positive experience in our lives even though it is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do and now I just can’t shake the panicking fear that has been creeping up on me every day for the past two years!

I don’t know what else to do, I talk about this and break down, I think about it and feel like I want to have him next to me.

I am now putting it out here again hoping that this time I can at least feel that I am giving the fears a place to go because I really don’t want them in me ANYMORE! I will always be responsible and look out for my babies I just want to go a day without the images, without crying, without feeling that it WILL happen again… It could happen again but I don’t want to feel like it WILL happen again.

YOU LOST MY PRECIOUS SON! I found him in the arms of a stranger!.

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7 thoughts on “Two Years since they lost my son and still… I can’t move on.

  1. Pingback: KNOW YOUR TARGET!! « Soy Luna y me expreso – I express myself

  2. Thanks for sharing. I certainly understand and have a great appreciation for your apprehension to trust your son’s care to others. I think blogging about the subject is therapeudic in nature and serves as a tool to succesfully overcome your barriers. As time passes iBelieve you will overcome, but you have to believe.

  3. deep deep hug for you, I feel sad about this…
    but thank you for writing this down because I know it’s hard but it’s brave, and I can feel it, too

    you’re a very strong mother and full of love : )))

  4. Wow, what a horrifying experience. Moving on will require TRUST in others; it is the only path that will lead to conquering your FEARS. Most importantly, contine to live life in your own words – “I think the negative experiences I’ve had in life have played a big part in the strength and positivity I have today. I CHOOSE to see the glass as half full and will never allow myself to be a victim of “life.” Live Strong!

    • Hello Brian. Thank you for keeping up with my blogs. I like how you used my own words. I have been through my fair share of things and always manage to look at the bright side of things because I know life goes on. In this case I know life goes on and I am not trying to be a victim of life but these fears have a strong foundation as finding my son away from school, barefoot and in the arms of someone I thought was trying to take him/advantage of him due to negligence is something I haven’t been able to shake. Believe me I’ve tried. I even went back to the same school where my son continued to assist because I wanted to see the teacher as having made a mistake and thinking she would never make it again. Not with my son or any other child. I was informed that after my son had been lost, that 3 other children disappeared from the classroom and they had no clue where they were. Difference is that those children stayed on school premises and that their parents did not have the horrible experience of finding them the way I found mine. In the arms of a stranger. I met with program specialist, her boss, the teacher and principal to make sure that they implemented a game plan and I was spoon fed everything that they thought I wanted to hear. The meeting wasn’t documented, no game plan implemented (they “lost” those 3 other children after that meeting) and the teacher carried on acting as if she was the victim with the program specialist enabling her and making me feel as if I needed to feel sorry for the teacher. I tried working with them only to see that my concerns are disregarded and the teachers every concern is addressed. How is that supposed to help build trust? How is that supposed to help me move on and continue taking my son anywhere these people recommend? I try, I really do but even at night when I’ve tried to lay in bed I get up many times at night to check on him, only to end up sleeping in the living room REMEMBERING that day, that man, that feeling.

      Wow I think this is one of the longest responses I’ve ever given anyone here. I could have turned it into a blog in itself hehehe! But you seem to keep up with my random writings so I thought I’d fill you in a little more. 🙂

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