“Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.”
~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
In exactly 18 days it will be two years since the day I found my son in the hands of a total stranger. Two years and yet as I sit here writing this my hands are trembling, I’m having a hard time breathing and I feel an elephant is slowly making itself comfortable on my chest. Two years and this still feels as fresh as it did when it happened. I am mortified. In the past two years I have not been able to shake the fear I discovered September 28, 2010.
When it first happened I couldn’t even talk about it to anyone. Later that week I wrote about it on here.
I couldn’t bring myself to publish it immediately because I didn’t want it to be seen and showing up on my stats therefore every day making it that much harder to try and move on.
After the first year I made it public but because it was so low on the list it would hardly get any attention and I was ok with that because I felt it was enough with just having worked up the courage to make it public but it was not going to be something that harassed me with views or comments. I figured that letting it out in the open would somehow set me free from my thoughts, my fears, my inability to trust ANYONE that came near my son and the anxiety I felt every day I drove by where I found him every day when I took him to school.
Let me tell you… none of that worked! I think about this every day. I fear this every day. I slept on the floor by the front door every single day for the first year and now going on to the second I still do it on occasion and have resorted to sleeping most of my days in the living room where I am nearest to my front door so I can at least hear if my son attempts to open the door in the middle of the night. He has never done it but now I am petrified at the thought that he might and I won’t hear it. My door is secured with extra gadgets I bought at the hardware store, alarms and all but I can’t shake this.
I always feared him taking off because if not hand held he’d always take off but now I’m actually afraid of losing him that split second I’m not looking. I am taking my son to a school that was assigned to him and it is really far from my home. I am so scared. He is with new teacher, new staff, new environment and although I have said it to the teacher many times, I am still afraid that they will lose him.
This is my baby, my life, my Angel and right along with my other two kids… Reason for my existence to be one full of hope and drive to make everything in our lives special. That day everyone in the school district took something away from me that I fear I will never get back… TRUST and they put something in me that doesn’t feel like leaving… FEAR! They have carried on with their lives. Sided with whomever they have felt like and still I sit here wanting to just hold my son tightly in my arms just to keep him safe.
I can’t stop crying. I can’t get the images out of my head, those images of that man holding my precious son. Granted he was trying to help him but driving up and just seeing that didn’t look that way in my eyes and I just can’t move on. This STINKS!!!! I am a good mother! A responsible Mother! A mother that is only looking to make a beautiful life for her children and kick the shit out of Autism because I aim as high as to make my son’s Autism be a positive experience in our lives even though it is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do and now I just can’t shake the panicking fear that has been creeping up on me every day for the past two years!
I don’t know what else to do, I talk about this and break down, I think about it and feel like I want to have him next to me.
I am now putting it out here again hoping that this time I can at least feel that I am giving the fears a place to go because I really don’t want them in me ANYMORE! I will always be responsible and look out for my babies I just want to go a day without the images, without crying, without feeling that it WILL happen again… It could happen again but I don’t want to feel like it WILL happen again.